Dear Dorgy,

It’s been 2.5 days or something like that without you. Yesterday was bad, but today is worse. I feel emptier and emptier each day.

Yesterday I spent half a day sleeping and falling into dreams, other half copying your photographs into your folder and watching detective tv series. Then G. came and we played Monopoly in the lounge. I was afraid to go there but I had to. I had to pretend I was ok. But I was not. Playing Monopoly and staring in secret at the spot on a rug where you spent evening before the day you left.

I can’t explain why my pain is so bad. I feel I have a hole of the size of a basketball in my chest. Watching your photographs and videos a little bit made me recall all those times I have forgotten.

Times you were energetic little monkey, running after the ball or any toy like crazy. I am a smart person, I am not stupid, not at all, but I want to know why. Why it is so hard.

I am afraid to say something to anyone or just say too much. That’s why I am putting it here. I just need to express it, take out of me, of my body and my heart. Yes, I still do it for myself.

I am so sorry, Dorgy. I will never forgive myself. You know why. I know the end was inevitable (yes, I had to google this word, because I just couldn’t spell it out). But I wasn’t there for you. I wasn’t enough.

Okay, I guess I have to live with it for the rest of my life. I just truly hope you knew how much I loved you.

Looking at your photographs made me remember all the funny and cute moments we had together. Remember when you ripped the bag of dry food and ate something between 3 or 4kg. Yeah, was funny and tragic at the same time as I freaked out so much. So much trouble. At least you looked so funny – with a ‘pregnant’ belly. You just couldn’t stop eating it, could you? I remembering all that trouble, calls to the vet and googling stuff. You made me worry but ultimately now I understand that I didn’t have to worry about you. You always came out of all the difficult situation with no issue. You were so easy and trouble-free dog. You were. I cringe when I have to use past tense in relation to you.

“You give me strength to carry on”, was in the song right now. ‘The wonder of you’, it’s called. Yes, sounds about right. You are the wonder. I was always wondering what you are thinking about. Because yeah, I am sure you had thoughts….

That’s it. I am officially crossed that line. Someone will definitely read this and say I went completely cuckoo. Well, I probably did. And it’s your fault. Yeah, need to find someone to blame. Sorry, Dorgan.

What else can I say? I miss you a lot. But you know that. Probably everyone knows it by now. I knew you were special, but I haven’t realised that you embedded into my life on so many levels that I ache every moment now. I don’t know if it’s ever going to pass.

Oh yeah, G. asked me if I was thinking about getting another pet…I almost cracked. Almost cracked and snapped at the same time. Pet? What the hell is that? You are not my pet. You are my family. Yes, still are. Considering the amount of your hair in the house and everywhere else. I am sure that you are completely irreplaceable. There is no another Dorgy. Funny, smart, silly, cheeky, clever, loving, eager….no…no way…no freaking way…

I organised things for you, so you can come back to us. Or at least part of you. I did it rationally, holding tears deep inside. I made plans to clean the house and collect your toys and your things and donate them. You have a lot of stuff, man….Jesus…. But….

But now I can’t lift a finger. Your bowls are where they were three days ago. Your tablets, your winter clothes, your mats, your toys…I just can’t do anything. I feel that if I start cleaning, I will erase your presence completely. Your smell is gone, I think. It makes my heart even emptier. So, I just want to keep the things as they are for now. Probably, looks crazy. But I don’t care. I need this. You need this. I don’t know.

Yesterday I said another crazy thing which is nothing new I’ve been crazy for a while. I said that your leaving upsets me more than losing some people in my life. That’s it. I said it. Crazy, hey? At least I am honest. Honesty is the best policy, they say. Take it then.

Today I went for a ride with G. It was good to get out of the house but the whole time I was thinking about you ‘staying’ at home. On the way there I was alright, on the way back I completely fell apart. Trying to hide that was easy in sunnies and on the distance. I managed to squeeze ‘I am ok’ on his questions about how I was feeling. But coming home, the first thing I did was to kneel down on your last spot. The last spot where you left. Yes, that’s the trick about dying at home. It means everyone left has to live with that. Not that I regret. I am happy you were comfortable at home. Not at the vet or something. You had it the way you would want. I know that. It’s all about you. Strong character…always had everything the way you wanted….

I have so many good memories of you. One day I will start writing about them. I promise. Not this teary, depressive shit.

To be honest, I want to get drunk to oblivion… just not to feel pain, not miss you as much as I do. Probably it’s worse losing a person, but if this pain feels indefinite, so how can it be worse? I guess there are worse situations….

Anyway, I better get going…nah, I don’t really need to go anywhere. I might try to enter that oblivion I mentioned before. But I sort of need to be responsible. You probably would understand. You always did.

And remember, I write all this mumbling for myself, not that it works but at least I don’t blurb it out to other people. It would be worse.

I miss you. I hope you are still around. I don’t care what anyone else thinks…

Love,

Me