Dear Dorgy,

You know I wanted to write a letter to you already this morning. It is just crazy that you are constantly on my mind from the moment of awakening to the last second before sleep. I think I even dream about you. I dream that nothing has changed and you are still sleeping near my bed. And then….I wake up.

I don’t know if the pain will ever get easier. I saw comments of people who still get tears in their eyes thinking of their best furry friends after a year, three, five, ten….Tears… I haven’t thought I can have ‘a tear reserve’ inside of me so big! I can’t pronounce your name out loud without getting teary or see your pictures that are literally everywhere. I am happy I took so many, I wish I did more. I reached two weirdest levels of sensitivity about you – I can’t remove/collect your things around the house and I can’t delete any images of you, even blurry ones! Just keeping them…blurry because you were moving…moving – you were alive. It was always a trick to photograph you…you were so active every second of your life. Just couldn’t keep still. Movement is life…

Today two more people mentioned to me getting “another pet”. I don’t know is it because of their general insensitivity or a vague assumption that you were just a pet…I just don’t know. I can’t handle these questions/comments. I know that I shouldn’t say, “I will never get another dog, this pain is unbearable”, because I am not thinking about it. I lost you, my best friend THREE DAYS AGO. I mean, do people seriously consider that you can get over loss and grieve at this speed?

You know I had a dog before you came into my life. Terry. At that time I was saying I would never get another dog…Hey, look how it all turned out…So…

I don’t have an intention to look for another dog, but I accept the idea that the right dog will probably find me like you have. But it will be another time and another story. I don’t understand how anyone can think that getting another dog can help to recover from my loss of you. A new dog would have nothing to do with you. You and I have our own history. History full of joy, happiness, love and compassion. I don’t think I will ever be able to get over this history. And I don’t even want. I just want to know if I ever stop crying…

My chiropractic told today that I have created a brand of you. I replied that I didn’t. You just had the biggest personality. You truly did.

I often think that your personality was so big that so many people knew about you or were touched by you in any way. Even cat people 😉 Maybe because I kept talking about you…haha…yeah…guilty…But seriously… It is true.

Probably, the evening is the hardest part of the day. The hole in my chest just keeps expanding. I feel empty. You are my best friend, Dorgy. I don’t care if anyone thinks it’s pathetic to list your dog as a friend. We have spent together almost five years. Many wouldn’t consider it a long time but you were the closest creature to me in a country of 20 million people…any time with you is special. Was special.

I guess I just should take my grief slowly. I love seeing your photographs, your smart eyes and cheeky smile. Remembering everything we had together makes me happy and sad at the same time.

Remember our first Christmas together when I left you in the kennels for a week because a trip had been booked and paid for long time before. Every day I was worrying about you, I called them several times during that week (they probably thought I was a crazy dog person) to ask about you and how you were going, if you are eating well…I remember my trip from the airport in taxi. I was checking my facebook (because I even messaged the kennels there as well – I know, crazy LOL) until a picture in the newsfeed ‘jumped’ at me from the phone screen. A picture of you jumping high to catch a ball…And I thought you were sad….Haha…It was the opposite – you were having fun! It was a relief!

No need to mention that everyone at the kennels or anywhere else knew Dorgan haha. You just attracted people’s attention anywhere you went. And not because of your look 😉

Your look, though…..getting you compliments everywhere. Yes, you are gorgeous, you were gorgeous.

Another memory…We just moved into our second place in Hallett Cove. I brought a big mirror I got in IKEA. A big, floor-standing mirror. Put it in the bedroom. Inspector Dorgan came in and then saw a dog in front of him hahaha That look on your face was priceless! I caught a second or even less than a second when you realised it was you. And you had this look on your face that you knew exactly it was you and you knew you looked beautiful. That expression – ‘I am sexy and I know it’- like expression. It is so funny to realise so many times how good your memory was. You remembered your look, because you have never been surprised ever again seeing yourself in the mirror, you have never forgotten all the hidden places for toys, treats, medicine. You remembered routines of all of us in the house. Where you can find us during the day…You remembered people, every single person you have met at least once…

I am aching for you but I am so happy to have so many sweet memories about you. I hope I have enough to keep me going…

My dear friend, I will remember you forever…

Love,

Me