Dear Dorgy,

Today I didn’t plan to write to you, just because I managed to talk about you to a couple of people. First, of course, your favourite T. My heart was melting when I saw you together every single time, but it just explodes now because he is missing you so much. I don’t know if he misses you more than me (it is not possible, my puppy).

Another person was my ‘ice queen’ K. She was happy to listen to me and help me clear my conscience. You know, I will never forgive myself that I wasn’t there at your last moment. Yes, I do have legitimate and solid excuses but my heart is not with them. I am endlessly grateful that you were with people you knew and loved who loved you as well, I am grateful that your passing was fast and painless. I am just devastated that I wasn’t looking into your eyes when you passed away. Please forgive me, my baby!

I have decided to write tonight, just because it feels better to express my feelings. I don’t write this to attract attention or impress anyone with anything, or find followers or something. It just feels like I am having more time with you…

Remember I used to constantly talk to you and tell things. It felt right, too. Maybe a little bit insane. But just a little bit.

By the way, I got some bad news. Remember my dad who came just over a year ago and was spending time on a lounge sofa reading or watching TV? You used to walk past him, licking his face 😉 He is in hospital now. Very ill. It is very difficult time. I am trying to hold but it is all very upsetting. I wish you were here to comfort me and give me your best smile.

I still have a million habits related to you. And the realisation that I don’t need to have them anymore is so painful! Like I don’t need to close the door to the garage to get the bins, because you won’t run away… Or I don’t need to take the fish food inside every time, because you won’t steal it and eat it all… Or I don’t need to take my plate with me if I leave the room, because you won’t take my lunch… Or I don’t need to close the door in the toilet tight, because you won’t run in breaking my privacy…

My everyday life feels so empty now, especially when I don’t have appointments and spend a day at home. I could look after you, play with you or just spend time in your company. Even your silent presence and deep sleep next to me were so strong, that now it feels like part of my life puzzle is missing. There is a hole right in the middle of it. And it’s getting bigger with every small realisation every day. Pieces lost with no chance of recovery…

It’s a new day now and past your bed time. You always followed your routine. Good boy! Sleep tight and sweet dreams!

Love,

Me