I can’t stop thinking about you, Dorgy.

 The day-a-week-after is approaching and I am so terrified by it. I don’t know if I ever can accept this loss. Probably, it doesn’t even matter because it won’t get you back. It hurts so much that I can’t do anything. Finally I got a reason to justify my laziness. Just joking. Not funny. Why I was so ignorant?! I should’ve listened to my intuition and give you more. More time, more treats, more walks, more cuddles, more everything… What’s left to make my heart ache even more? A thousand of balls of all possible colours, including brand new, a handful of different toys from your human grandma, half a huge bucket of food, a bag of treats, a bag of doggie’s chocolates, bunch of tablets and chews, the whole winter collection of comfy clothes, your dacha – big kennel, couple of beds and bowls, several collars with leashes, and an Instagram account with your name in it. I am sure there is more, but even all this is enough to make me feel pain so deep that I can’t move. I haven’t touched or cleaned a single thing. I just can’t…

There are things that require my energy right now. I believe they keep me going. But they are so energy consuming that I feel exhausted. When I am not doing those few things, I sort out your photographs and videos or just cry. That’s the truth. 

I can’t wait for T. to come back because talking to him gives me strength, too. I don’t know who else can take so much you from me… but I am afraid he will turn to jelly like me being in the house where you spent your last hours and took your last breaths. 

Writing about my real feelings without warning or thinking about ‘what other people might think’ actually helps. Or I think it does. Anyway, I want to remember you and think of you, even if it hurts… 

Sweet dreams, my boy. “Come for kissie-kissie” ❤💔