Exactly a week ago your condition has dramatically deteriorated. I will never forget the look on your face when you couldn’t understand why you couldn’t stand up or move your back legs…

I remember every details of that evening. I am not sure I will ever forget. 

I keep thinking and trying to convince myself that it was the ‘best’ sequence of events. It is just really difficult to accept the whole thing. 
Today I went out to do a thing. You know what it was. I parked my car in the city. After I was done I found myself rushing home. And not because of paid parking fee that was increasing every half hour. But because I had a split-second feeling that you are waiting for me at home. How crazy is that! Of course, the realisation of this came fast which made me sick on my stomach. You are not waiting for me to come home…

It’s one of the worst things. People who don’t have dogs or cats, don’t realise how quickly you get used to be waited for, to be expected, to be missed. Nobody misses me now if I am out. Nobody needs to be fed. Nobody needs a cuddle….

The loss of you is just enormous. It is bigger than me. I have this immense sadness that’s eating me inside. How to explain it to people?! Not everyone understands that I can’t just get over it, get over you… act as always, joking around or posting my pictures to support breast cancer and its victims… I know it might sound selfish but just let me be in the space of my sorrow. I promise I’ll come around. One day….maybe…

Remember all those times when I shared things with you… commenting something or just talking to you? Some people don’t realise that there were days in my life when I haven’t heard a word from another human being. I haven’t heard a word from you either… haha… But seriously….you were present, you were there, looking like you’re listening. I know how desperate it sounds right now, but that’s the truth. And the truth is very powerful. You meant so much for me that losing you is one of the most difficult things in my life… I hope you know, you knew how much you meant to me.

A week ago you were still here, by my side, starting to struggle and fight for your life. Trying to understand what was happening. I wish I knew a week ago that there would be your last hours, your last 12 hours… I wish I realised that then… I don’t know…I wouldn’t have slept or I would’ve cuddled you all those hours, or I would’ve told you how much I loved you. Human nature is a funny thing, you know. We keep hoping for the best or hoping it’s not the worst, it’s not that, you have more time, more chances, more opportunities, more words. But you don’t. So, you need to say now, you need to do now, you need to be here now! Sounds like a perfect text for a social ad…. it’s funny until it’s too late and all sad and crappy, and…real. 

I can’t get back a week ago. I can’t change a thing now. I can’t… 

p.s. I can’t even put picture of you from your last evening. You were so strong, my boy 💔💔💔