Dear Dorgy,

Today I managed to collect all your toys and things around the house. It was a big, big job. I stopped many times. Had a mini breakdown on the way. Fresh air returned me to life. I decided to keep your favourite toys and some of your personal things. We will give away or donate the rest. It was the saddest time, one of those ‘finalising’ moments of your ‘being’. It is really hard to do any of these things, weither to clean the house, remove things or replace any routines. 

T. and I talked about you a lot today and cried, and talked, and cried. We talked about how sometimes we didn’t realise until now how much joy you were bringing us every day. We used to call you ‘a psychologist’, because  you really helped us many times to overcome different problems, forget the troubles, re-think something and, most importantly, turn anger and frustration into something neutral or positive. You’re such a happy and positive dog. 

I know the stages of grief. And I feel that I live through them every day over and over again. I don’t now if this cycle ever gonna end. I am going to moan you as long as it takes. Maybe forever. I don’t give a fuck what anyone can think about what I should be doing… 

You mean a lot to me, you mean more to me than most people. Isn’t it enough to understand how it all affected me. 

Some of my friends are very supportive. They understand you’re my family. You always will be. I am not turning every conversation into your memorial. Not at all. Sometimes I don’t feel like talking about you with them, because it means I will have to talk about you in the past. And I just don’t want. 

I still find difficult to say any words like death, died, gone in relation to you. I know it has happened. But my inability to vocalise such things sometimes creates funny situations. During morning tea T. mentioned the dry food that we have left and what we can do with it. We discussed it as something irrelevant to you. Then changed topic. Then I melancholically said that you probably will be back next week. T. looked at me like I went completely nuts. But I just couldn’t pronounce ‘cremation’, ‘ashes’. It is just crazy. I know you left that body, it was just physical shell. But still it felt important to have some of that, some of you stay with us. 

I am missing you so much that words can’t fully explain! 

Sweet dreams, my boy ❤💔

Love,

Me