40 days today.

For some cultures this day means a lot of memorial rituals and traditions. ‘It is believed that the soul of the departed remains wandering on Earth during the 40-day period, coming back home, visiting places the departed has lived in as well as their fresh grave. The soul also completes the journey through the Aerial toll house finally leaving this world. The rituals during the period aim to let the soul go in order to keep it from returning and bothering the living. The family gathers on the 40th day inviting those who wish to remember the departed visiting the grave and the church and having a memorial meal at the house.’

Do I want your soul to leave this world? Can I let go? Considering, that the church doesn’t accept dogs as they should, it all doesn’t matter. Every day of these 40, I lit a candle or two. I think I burnt so many candles that it could make a little cathedral.

Last night I dreamt of you, my spotty friend. In the morning, still almost asleep, I was wishing T. to have a nice day and told him that I can’t stop thinking about you. T. keeps saying the same thing about him not being able to see you before you left. I managed to do Facetime in the morning on the 31 March, managed to show you to him. But he wasn’t here. I was here most of the time. Those snapshots daunting me since. My heart aches every time something comes up in my mind and that happens accidentally. I see how sad T. is as he didn’t witness you fading away. You just disappeared…It would be hard to comprehend.

I just miss you terribly. Memories torture me every moment of the day. Dreams on top of that.

Grief is real and has lots of forms. I think that the only way is to go through. You can’t get over it and move on. You need to live and remember every moment to cherish it in your heart. It is painful but in the end it should bring something bright and warm. When I find out, I’ll tell you what it is.

Rest in peace, my Dorgy.