Dear Dorgy,

I can’t sleep tonight. I am missing you so much. It appears out of nowhere. The pain, the sense of incredible loss…

I get these flashes of memories about you all the time, but sometimes it feels like the dark brings more and more of them.

I can’t believe you’re gone. You are not here. You won’t meet me with your usual smile and waging tail, won’t sniff my legs and check my bags. You won’t follow me every minute of my time and won’t open the door in the toilet trying to find me. You won’t come at night and touch my face with your wet nose and long tongue. You won’t enter the room and meaningfully sign. You are not present here. And it makes my heart ache. 

I got up and went to bathroom, because it’s hard to stay in bed and not be able to sleep. I wanted to see your face, wanted to see your face alive. 

I sat on the floor and watched all your photographs on my phone and google drive. It made me smile and cry at the same time. It is so hard to believe. How is it ever possible to accept this? Please tell me. Do you know how? 

The pictures brought even more memories. And this one at the top, from one of the happiest days of my life. You were there. I wish I spent more time with you and took more pictures. You’re such a wonderful companion…

Companion or friend? To me the second or even more. You were (damn that word) with me all that time. Just you and me. And nobody else. How can I explain to people that? “He was more than just a dog for me”? Seriously? Sounds crazy. I just don’t say anything. To swallow is easier than to explain. I don’t have to explain anything. Not my feelings, not my loss, not my grief. It is between you and me. 

By the way, I put one of your photos on the wall near my monitor at work. A new work.  But you know that, probably. I had an interview for this job 10 days after you left. I still have no idea how I got my act together being such a mess. Sometimes you lose, sometimes you gain. Sometimes it happens at the same time. But I still can’t believe that you had me all for yourself for several months. I praise all gods for this time. The time when you became the most fragile and vulnerable, and the sweetest, too. I will cherish those memories despite the pain. 

We often mention you in our conversations with T. But only mention, because proper talk would cause a drama. We both stop at the instant moment of tears appearing in our eyes. It warms my heart to see his love for you. 

One of those mentions was about your ‘departure’. How fast and unexpected it happened in a way that nobody could predict or imagine. “Blessing in disguise”, as a vet said. Relatively fast and painless leaving. You always played by your own rules. Even in the last game with life. I wish I knew your secret. 

Rest in peace, my boy ❤️💔

Love,

Me