Dear Dorgy,

Yes, three months…It was just two days ago. I didn’t forget. I thought about you on the 29th of June. Who am I kidding. I think about you every day.

I still react badly hearing awkward comments of insensitive people. Unfortunately, got one at my new work. I know I should grow a thick skin, but I am not sure I ever will. Even without comments about you or any reminders that you’re gone, I squeeze my eyes trying to cry aloud for about dozen times a day.

It became unbearable to look at your photos as they make me teary in milliseconds. And I was going to make a photo album with your best pictures for good memories…Now I am not sure, because I don’t think I will be able to even hold that album in my hands. Anyway, still intending to but not now for sure.

This photo of you ‘doing’ some gardening together with T. makes my heart ache every time. It is soooo you in this picture. Devoted, loving, attached, attentive, passionate, wanting to be closer. I miss all those things from you so much.

I remember those times in our ‘sitting’ room where I was watching my favourite TV series or lokking through the cooking books and you were napping next to me or playing with a toy. I could have a lunch or a quick snack there, of course sharing with you. It was impossible not to share haha

Three months… It went so quickly. I still didn’t come to acceptance. I don’t know how long it takes. If it takes…not sure it ever will.

I always think what grief people go through, losing a relative or a friend. I really didn’t experience any loss of this importance before. Yes, I lost my beloved grandfather and grandmother. Grandma passed away just three years ago. I wasn’t there with them at the time. It all felt surreal because I didn’t witness her illness and fading-away time. It makes me smile seeing my photographs with grandma and grandpa where I am just a kid and they are full of life, energy and character. I remember a moment when my cousin told me via message on facebook that our grandma died. I just cried but distance between us softened the loss. I know it sounds childish but it’s true. I felt loss but it was somewhere far. I couldn’t go to the funerals, because just couldn’t go to another country at the time.

Grandpa died about 15 years ago. I visited them just before he passed away and witnessed his suffering from cancer. I remember reading some books to him while he was in bed, powerless and exhausted from pain. I remember hiding my tears. And then I left home to another city, 10,000 kilometres away. News came several month later. He fell into coma and never gained consciousness… But it felt surreal as well.

With you, it all was different. I saw you losing your strength, losing control of your hind legs, breezing heavily, fading, not understanding what is happening. Last pat and cuddle I gave you before leaving to the court that morning. All those tiny memories are stuck in my head forever. They appear accidentally when I least expect them. I wasn’t there when you took your last breath and the thought about it is just killing me. Please forgive me, my boy… I know it’s stupid to give any excuses… I wish I knew, I wish I could change anything, I swear I would…

Anyway, three months is a short time and a long time. There is no coming back. I just don’t know how to accept it. Do I want to know? Most probably not… I will never accept it.

Sweet dreams, my puppy xoxoxox