Exactly one year ago at around this time – on 31 March 2017 11am – you left this world. And I even wasn’t there with you. It is still my biggest regret. My heart broke that day into million pieces and I still haven’t put them back together. I think of you every single day. I think about how fast it all happened. I am shocked that I didn’t realise that you were dying. It was so quick and painless. Painless for you, painful for me. I’m ok with that, because I would never want you suffer.

I think of you every day. Sometimes our last moments together flash in my head. I still remember every detail. Sometimes I remember a funny or cute moment from my life with you and what a ridiculously smart dog you are.

I think of you every day, and memories come at different times when I don’t even try to bring them back. The feeling of loss is overwhelming. Yes, even after a year I still cry thinking about you and that you’re gone.

One year. One year has passed like it’s just a moment. I’ve heard first year is the hardest. I think I agree with that. Realisation has started to sink in, but the more time passes, the less hope I have. Less hope for it all to be just a bad dream.

I think the whole first year I have been learning to accept that you are gone forever. I’ve been learning there is no way back. Of course, there is no way back. Feeling of loss doesn’t understand logic or common sense, or laws of nature and life. Feeling of loss is completely illogical and emotional. No reasons, nothing works.

Yesterday when I woke up, I think I’ve heard your sigh in my bedroom. Like you did in the past when you were already woken up and were losing patience to wait when I wake up. I know it must have been a sound from the street or from the garden. Or just my mind playing tricks with me. But I didn’t want to open my eyes, expecting any second for you to come and sniff me in my quilt and lick me to wake me up.

I know you’re a dog, not a human. I am not crazy, you know. To me you are better than most humans. You are an excellent dog and the best friend. I miss you terribly every day.

One year. One year without you. It’s been a hell of a year. Accept. No. Admit. No. I still can’t even use the past tense talking about you.

I guess I am still learning to live with the thought you’re gone. I have a big collection of memories, pictures, your things and toys. But it doesn’t outweigh the loss. It all doesn’t seem to help. Makes me even sadder when I see, remember. I hoped to make an album of your photographs. But now I think what for? To see it and every time burst into tears? I can’t even come to selecting the pictures…Too hard.

You are completely irreplaceable. There is no dog like you. There never will be. And I just have to live with it.

One year of loss. It’s hard. I don’t really need any advice how to make it all easier. Because there is no easier, it’s the only way.

The only thing I am sure about is that I will keep thinking of you, every day. I will keep lighting up the candles. I will keep remembering you and our life together. Rest in peace, my boy.

Love,

Me