To the dog who changed my life and me….
Dear Dorgan, Dorgy, Mr D, Mr Dorgan, my gorgeous boy, my spotty tail that followed us everywhere,

I am sitting now at home, alone, trying to comprehend what happened today. Trying to comprehend why it happened so fast. Trying to comprehend why it happened at all. I know you were ill. Devastating diagnosis that you got exactly 101 days ago. Yes, I counted, just because you were given weeks to live, just because you lived more than weeks, just because every day of your life became my blessing. You changed my life. You changed my life not because of your illness but also because you were the most unique dog I have ever met. The most unique dog because you have changed me.

I remember when I first saw you. It was on the website of RSPCA SA. I went there because I had this empty spot in my heart that I needed to fill. I didn’t realise that it was such a huge hole in my heart that I kept coming back to that website and it never clicked for me. Until I saw you. I still see the picture of you. Big spotty dog with a huge smile. I found your name was strange and was worrying how energetic you are. Well, I couldn’t even imagine.

I remember the day I brought you to our first place. Both of us stayed there for a bit. Then we had to find our new home. OUR new home. Just you and me. It was hard but I didn’t intend to give up. Finally we found our new place, and life there with you was one of the best periods of my life. You ARE, always ARE, the funniest dog with the biggest personality. You taught me some patience and what love really is. I had an honour to take care for you. It wasn’t easy but I learnt and learnt some more, and then some more again. I think only with you I understood what real love is. You accepted me always, in any mood and any condition. I think you had a pretty good understanding of my character and you knew when I felt bad. First time when I realised that was at one of the particularly desperate days, when I almost gave up on myself and my personal life, was trying to drown my sorrow and pathetic sadness. I was sitting on a carpet in the lounge, all of a sudden, you came and licked my face, leaning on me slightly. I knew it was something special because you always were playing ‘a tough guy’ who barely accepted any sentiments and just tolerated my affectionate cuddles and kisses. With time you have changed a lot. You became so affectionate and tender, it was heart wrenching as I knew what you were like years ago.

Years….yes, we spent together four years, eight months and 19 days. I don’t know how anyone could change me in so little time. I don’t how anyone could get under my skin so fast and so painless. You gave me all love you had in your 40-kilogram body. I remember me saying at some point that you are 42 kilos of happiness. 42 or 35, you were my favourite boy. I learnt how to love … with you. I learnt how to accept other person, creature, personality for what they are.

You made me laugh so much, you made me cry so much, you made me happy and made me worry. I will remember every single moment with you and how you made me feel.

I believe we had a special bond. You have been waiting for me in that shelter. You were even adopted in the process and returned back. You WERE waiting for ME. I could never wish for a dog better than you, because you were the best dog for me.

I remember times when you were so active and energetic that it was giving me a headache. But at the same time you motivated me. Motivated me to be on the move, to be active. Remember our walks in the Hallett Cove hills? Oh yes… Oh my god, how I miss this now.

I remember first time you met the man I would later marry. The man who went through your judgement that I trusted. Yes, I did evaluate people on the attitude to you as well. I had no doubts saying goodbye to those who didn’t understand that You and I are one package.

I remember the day when my future husband was babysitting you for the first time. How excited both of you were. At that moment I knew we would be a family. We became a family. I believe that you taught me how to be a family. Taught me how to accept other person’s differences.

I am unable to count how many happy moments we had together, because we had so many. You made those moments for me. And you taught me to be happy about small things. Taught me how to enjoy life.

Today is the day to start remembering every detail about you. Probably I can do this every day, as there are so many details. I want to think that your soul is still here, in this house. I want to think that you stayed with us. Probably, it is stupid. I have never been too spiritual but I lit a candle and put a piece of apple pie for you. Just for you, my boy.

Last several months have been quite tough for me. I lost a job which was a devastating event. The biggest bonus out of this was all that time we could have together. And we have. Had. I always think about the coincidence of the time you were diagnosed with my unemployment. The best time for us. There were days and weeks, when we could spend the whole days together. The best time!

You taught me to enjoy life, you enjoyed life to the end. Your favourite toys, your favourite food. The last food I gave you was a few slices of ham. I don’t want to hear this stupid word – last – in the same sentence with your name. Last food, last cuddle, last look, last photo together, last pat. It’s been exactly 12 hours since I looked at you for the last time. Last, last, last, last……I hate it!

Dorgy, I hope you knew and felt how much I love you and I always will. My heart is absolutely shattered into pieces and I am not sure I will be able to recover.

I don’t want to finish this message. I. Don’t. Want. To. Finish. This. Message. Because it feels like I have to accept what has happened to you and to me, to us. I feel so lonely without you here. It’s been 12 hours and I keep thinking that the moment I turn my head, I will see your smiley face, or your sleepy face, or your angel face. I hear some noises sometimes, but it’s not your paws, it’s wind playing with the blinds. So cruel…

Typing things about your last moments, then clicking backspace, typing other things, backspace, I wish I could backspace today to have more time with you. Honestly, I didn’t have enough. Honestly! Not enough! Not even close! You chose me to be your family. I chose you to be mine. If someone asks me now at the job interview about my biggest achievements, I’ll say that I’ve met YOU.

You made me a better person. You taught me many things. You went through a lot with me. You were with me at my happiest moments. But you are not with me at my saddest when I lost you.

I hope you will keep looking after me or I will be lost.

Rest in Peace, Dorgan ❤

11.11.2004 – 31.03.2017